50 Shades of Grey Reviews

by W.F. Price on July 29, 2012

A female friend picked up the book 50 Shades of Grey and told me a bit about it. She said the hypergamy is so over the top it’s ridiculous and strains credulity. I told her to let me know what she thinks when she’s finished, since I don’t plan on reading it myself.

Coincidentally, I was checking out Amazon’s best-seller list yesterday evening to see what’s going on in the US book market. Naturally, the 50 Shades trilogy dominated the top spots, so I took a look at the reviews. They were pretty funny, and it looks as though the writer was ripping off Heartiste (she even seems to make allusions to digit ratio). If the writing weren’t as bad as is claimed, I’d suspect he’s actually the author, and is making a superlative point about female nature.

Since very few of us are ever going to read it, here are a few selections from Amazon reviews for the curious:

Did a teenager write this???

About half way through the book, I looked up the author to see if she was a teenager. I really did because the characters are out of a 16 year old’s fantasy. The main male character is a billionaire (not a millionaire but a billionaire) who speaks fluent French, is basically a concert level pianist, is a fully trained pilot, is athletic, drop dead gorgeous, tall, built perfectly with an enormous penis, and the best lover on the planet. In addition, he’s not only self made but is using his money to combat world hunger. Oh yeah, and all of this at the ripe old age of 26! And on top of that, he’s never working. Every second is spent having sex or texting and emailing the female character. His billions seem to have just come about by magic. It seriously feels like 2 teenage girls got together and decided to create their “dream man” and came up with Christian Grey.

Then come the sex scenes. The first one is tolerable but as she goes on, they become so unbelievable that it becomes more laughable than erotic. She orgasms at the drop of a hat. He says her name and she orgasms. He simply touches her and she orgasms. It seems that she’s climaxing on every page.

[...]

Bestseller? Really???

…the repetition…and the repetition…and the repetition. I’m convinced the author has a computer macro that she hits to insert one of her limited repertoire of facial expressions whenever she needs one. According to my Kindle search function, characters roll their eyes 41 times, Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian’s lips “quirk up” 16 times, Christian “cocks his head to one side” 17 times, characters “purse” their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times. Add to that 80 references to Ana’s anthropomorphic “subconscious” (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana’s “inner goddess,” and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of “oh crap” (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to “holy crap,” “double crap,” or the ultimate “triple crap”). And this is only part one of a trilogy…

[...]

Revolting

I honestly don’t understand why women are all a rage about this. I thought a virgin who could climax right way, many times over and on command was a male fantasy. The author repeats the phrases, “oh my,” “crap,” “down there,” and “inner goddess” incessantly. Really, those phrases have to make up 1/3 to 1/2 the novel. The rest is about a girl who receives about $100,000 worth of gifts in return for allowing this guy to perform S&M on her – so romantic.

So there we have it. The most popular book in the English-speaking world is women’s pornography.

What a glorious chapter in our civilization’s history!

Well, at least it’s worth a laugh.

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