America’s most important sports event is about to start, so I thought I should remind men not to neglect their last-minute preparations. As we all know (thanks to feminists), the Super Bowl is not only a time for enjoying a great game, but also for beating and enslaving women. When shopping for your Super Bowl party, you should keep in mind that you’ll need more than just chips, salsa and beer.
So, I’ve prepared a handy little checklist you can take to the store, so as to better beat your wife and torture your underage Cambodian sex slave during commercial breaks and halftime:
1. “wife-beater” tank tops
2. hickory rod (follow the “rule of thumb”)
3. brass knuckles
4. cattle prod
5. CIA interrogator’s phrasebook (Cambodian/English)
7. chains and padlock
8. duct tape
9. ball gag
10. large, portable dog kennel
Most of these items can be found at your local mall, so if you aren’t already prepared get out there and get ready! Without a hefty dose of patriarchy-style sadism, the Super Bowl just isn’t the same.