After my first day on the staff at Forbes Woman, I am exhausted. The editors thought that bringing a man’s voice to the conversation would boost their viewership while positing Forbes as a progressive media outlet appealing to the new gender-neutral Millennials.
I have to admit, the gals all perked up when I walked into the office in my gabardines and projecting my trademark swagger. They certainly weren’t used to having a ballsy Alpha man strutting around the halls of Encorpera like a spring chicken. Hey, I’m used to female attention, but when the boss dumped a pile of their essays in my cublicle and tole me to “add a masculine voice” to their writing, I quickly remembered why I never lasted more than 6 months at a corporation.
I really was trying to help those ladies, but shit hit the fan when I made a few suggestions on improving their grammar and narratives. Then the inevitable lusting from the younger hotties towards my robust, hairy-armed presence. The older, single, successful gals did not like it one bit. I knew when they headed out together after work (late in the evening, as usual) to chug boxed wine over food component assemblies, that there would be a self-emergent conspiracy to get me ousted. I’ve been through it so many times before that I merely shrugged off the implications and drove my Monte Carlo home to my wife for some Pho and hot sex.
Well, it didn’t take long for them to realize their plan. After I arrived in the morning I saw their diabolical handiwork on my desk :
Obviously a nefarious plot to “get” Uncle Elmer so they can smirk as security walks him to the door. Sorry gals, I don’t back down. I promptly fired off an inter-office memo expressing my outrage over this innapproriate sexist, racist “joke”.
From the desk of Elmer E. Elmerson, III :
Typical feminist shaming to imply that men are insecure or threatened by a “successful” woman. A man wants a wife, not a co-worker. Better to be poor with a humble, traditional wife than shackled to a haughty female who thinks her job fashioning paper clip sculptures at Encorpera is more important than taking care of her home and family.
I traveled abroad and found a beautiful, successful vietnamese woman for matrimony. Now she stays home and takes care of my needs, and she is happy. To hell with the extra money. I want a woman who enjoys cooking and sex.
As for unmarried mothers, it’s still a major social disgrace in Asia. Typical feminist writing to try to sugar-coat this cultural atrocity by implying that “wonderful, high-power women in New York” are raising bastard children and lovin’ it.
Let’s face it. Western women hate Asian women, and are eager to export feminism to their countries so those hot Asian chicks can be equally miserable as liberated, successful, single, Millennial Burnout American women.
Guys, we know how this will play out. Rather than wait for the axe I will take a proactive approach and send some feelers to another publication to scrounge up some work.
In the meantime, you may enjoy some of my editorial suggestions to the Forbes Woman staff, all in a day’s work :
Elmer offer his timeless wisdom :
Women are not excluded by a “good old boys network”. The numbers of women who can compete for executive level positions dwindles precipitously each year because of their own choices to focus on their children rather than spend every waking moment clawing their way to the top of Encorpera.
And the Economoist warning that padding corporate boards with diversity quotas will have poor results is exactly correct. Of course feminist mandates to ensure high-flying corporate jobs to women may backfire when the growing legions of stay-at-home husbands, who have been jerking off to porn and shooting hoops for 20 years, return to the workforce after the kids have grown and demand that they too, get those top slots in recognition for life-long experience. As you are advocating legislation to ensure that those who take the mommy-track have a seat on the corporate board, you will, in the name of equality and gender fairness, have to provide a chair to those men as well.
Elmer brings his work-life experience to the discussion :
The point of work is to provide goods and services to sell in a competitive marketplace, not to provide “work-life balance” to privileged females who are obsessed with their pointless careers fashioning paper-clip sculptures at Encorpera.
I got laid off from my corporate job soon after they had spent 6 months and tens of thousands of dollars renovating the ladies restroom near my cubicle to provide a “breast pumping” station for working moms. Can’t say I agree that turning the factory into a nursery will help Encorpera meet its shareholder expectations.
And as if workplace women do not already spend too much time throwing parties for some gal transferring to a new position in the next department or hosting stupid-ass holiday gift exchanges, allowing them to bring in their nose-pickers is sure to demolish what productivity still exists. It won’t be the men causing the loss in profit, but women and their ceaseless fawning over babies as well their inherent competitiveness towards each other. The childless women will hate your guts over this.
Elmer busts… well, never mind :
Now you want to legislate “likeability” to ensure that society has nicer feelings towards aggressive, ambitious women.
And there’s a “Center for Work-Life Policy” providing “facts” that employers should listen to?
Ladies, listen up. Nobody gives you work-life balance. You take it. Stop pleading for this nebulous “society” to provide it and a portfolio of career comforts for you. If you want to reach the top you will make some difficult trade-offs whether you are a man or woman. When you get there, no one will like you.
Your advice for women to approach their Encorpera overlords for executive grooming support as well as to instigate “change” is laughable. Anyone who pulls that stunt will get quickly shunted into a position of high diversity and low relevance.
An Encorpera CoWorker, “womanable”, provides her insight :
Great article, thanks for this contribution. I agree with your points, but I also believe that the way that ambition, climbing the corporate ladder and entrepreneurial growth are discussed are put in very testosterone-charged terms, and posited as an either-or, zero-sum game. Women lead, manage, and grow differently from men, and talk about ambition and business goals using different terminology. In addition to your excellent suggestions, I think we need a new lexicon that is more inclusive, and an acknowledgement that there are multiple paths to greater business success.
Elmer likes her attempt to retool the King’s English, but warns :
Good luck with that. I tried and tried to get my colleagues at The Spearhead to adopt the word “rogure” (which, roughly translated, means to fornicate rudely, though not unpleasantly) but to no avail!
“hydee”, who works in Encorpera’s Data Processing Center, has an unusual perspective. I will have to find a reason to drop by and discuss personally. Maybe bring a stack of punchcards or something :
I’m embarrassed to be a woman in Corporate America based on this article. Let me apply this logic to another issue:
Many women are overweight even though they want to be skinny. Why aren’t they skinny? It’s the cost of being skinny that gets to them. If you work out a lot you got sweaty and people don’t like sweaty women. Also if you get too many muscles you’ll look like a man and people don’t like manly woman. Another way to be skinny is for women to watch what they eat. If they watch what they eat then they can’t eat chocolate and everyone knows women love chocolate so it’s not an option to give that up. So you see woman really want to be skinny but it’s the cost of being skinny that they struggle with.
You cannot have ambition if you are lazy and don’t want to put the effort. Ambition requires sacrifice. In fact, I’m pretty sure anything that requires hard work requires sacrifice.
Elmer, can you proof this for me? Thx, Meghan
Last night, while having drinks with some ForbesWoman friends, one made a statement that stuck with me. While describing a falling out she had had with a cofounder of a recent startup and the subsequent attention it received in the press, she said, “If it had been men, it would have been all business. But because we’re women, it’s always portrayed as a catfight.”…
Elmer inquires :
While quaffing boxed wine at dinner did you feel a flush of anger and resentment when one of your Encorpera co-workers mentioned her recent private correspondences with Elmer?
Elmer observes :
Boxed whine : the drug of choice for treating Millennial Burnout Syndrome (MBS).
Elmer gives them the Man’s view :
Victoria’s Secret is in the business of covering up flaws, so it’s just good marketing to include some fatties and moms on the runway to appeal to their demographic. While I applaud their inclusiveness it can be a little irritating for men to have this shoved in our face along with demands that we perceive it as “sexy” while being shamed and vilified for enjoying to look at what we truly find appealing (cheerful naked young women who have not borne children). We sure as hell don’t care to hear about some former model’s great postpartum body. And if I see another graphic with a self-satisfied pregnant woman with her hand on her belly I’m gonna puke.
I’m serious. Runway models and their cold robotic stares are complete boner-killers.
Elmer is outraged! :
Typical feminist essay, even in the title using phallic double-entenders (“rise”) to shame men (“who just don’t get it”) as if our entire worth as human beings rests on whether or not we are successful with females. It’s a subtle, insidious form of power abuse against men, reducing them to mere sexual objects, and wholly innappropriate to the culture of inclusiveness and valuing of each coworker’s individual diversity that we are striving to create at Encorpera.
Elmer shares his experiences :
My head spins now…stay calm, focus, try to beat the stampede of commentary.
Hot Asian chick (well she’s Asian, that’ for certain), beta male “friend”, business partnership. Did she really have to ponder so hard to figure out what went wrong?
Let’s hope after numbnuts recovers emotionally he travels abroad and finds a lovely Asian bride that will satisfy his needs and empower him towards business success!
Elmer questions :
How come the stock photos never show a sweathog meditating?
Same for “massage” photos. Always the attractive lady gettin a massage while hubby is out on the links swinging a Large Marge.
Just once I would like to see the middle-aged guy gettin a rubdown from the hot Asian chick while his wife is shopping at the boutique.
Criminy. You know what? I have seen that guy :
And he does the “meditation” thing too :
Elmer helps out :
Baloney. If you try to change the world by making an example of yourself as a “nice” girl, the mean girls are gonna walk all over you like you’re a piece of moldy carpet.
If you want to survive at Encorpera you need to hunker down and hone your skills at feminine infighting. You got many decades of this ahead of you so you better get used to it and learn to fight like a woman.
Elmer simplifies it for her :
It’s not hard to figure out.
A man wants a wife, not a coworker.
Frieda Klotz, Contributor
That is intriguing — could you elaborate?
She is intrigued, Elmer provides more detail :
Man, who once toiled alone in field and factory. sought in woman the exact opposite to soothe his wounded soul. He was willing to commit his paltry wages to her upkeep in exchange for a few simple rewards such as cooked food and a backrub.
Now that legions of women have eagerly sought out Paper Clip Sculptor positions at Pan-Encorpera and have been poisoned by a constant diet of diversity-based inspirational programming, modern woman has become just another Co-Worker.
For many men it’s a waking nightmare. Like when you work on the burger-flipping line and you finally lay down to sleep exhausted you dream you are back on the job cranking out squirt burgers. It’s no wonder they would rather jerk off to porn rather than expend the energy embroiled in a tug-of-war with a female that is just like the angry, competitive gals back at the office.