I made a comment here and was asked if I could expand on it in article form, so these are some thoughts on the way women work, and about how we cause our own problems in relationships with men. I have been reading some of the pick-up artist blogs and they seem to have some good insight into how women work that has helped open my eyes quite a bit, so I must give credit where it’s due, but it doesn’t hurt (for women especially) to hear it from a woman as well, especially as the PUAs tend to be pretty unforgiving in their assessments.
This also expands a bit on my earlier post on this topic.
One commenter said the following:
He may even stray on his wife, but normally when he does he still feels a strong bond to his wife.
To which I responded:
This is the problematic part for most women I think. On the one hand, we do want a man that other women find attractive, on the other, we want him all to ourselves. It’s a bit of a double bind, because if we perceive a man as not arousing sexual interest in other women, he stops arousing it in us, but when we see that he does arouse other women, we get insanely jealous. I guess that’s the “sexual value” part of how we work, and why women fight over a man with a higher perceived sexual value. Not to mention how PUAs work us.
To take it a little further, this is something I think most women have struggled with – and in defining what is and what isn’t “cheating,” because it hurts when some other woman has the attention of the man you are with. There’s just no way around that unless you date/marry someone no one else wants, then of course you’re back to the old problem that then you don’t want him either.
I don’t know what the answer is besides suffering in silence, which seems to most of us kind of tragic and unfair, not to mention unfashionably stoic. Fighting about it won’t resolve it though, so somehow all that’s left is to accept a certain level of imperfection. If we could attain perfection, we would instantly become bored anyway. We also have to fight the urge to make a man into a project. We all know what happens with that – if we are successful in remaking him, we find him too malleable and therefore unattractive and not manly enough. If we do not succeed, we come to a crossroads at which we have to decide what it is we really want. What we say we want means nothing; it’s what we do that counts. Women need to look at what (and who) they do in order to get a clear picture of what drives them, without rationalizing their “bad boy” complex. The ideal beta male most women describe as what they want is definitely practical, good for long term stability and so on, but they are in denial of their basic sexual natures if they claim to find that a major turn-on. For the good beta male, no doubt this can be very painful, probably more so than the tendency for men to have a wandering eye that can be painful to a decent woman, because it speaks to the core of who he is, not just his physical attractiveness. There is a difference between reasonable and unreasonable expectations and women have a whole lot of unreasonable expectations.
I feel it necessary to say, before I am accused of excusing a man’s infidelity, that it is reasonable to expect, in a contracted relationship (marriage or some agreement that the relationship is exclusive and long term), that each partner stay faithful to one another and that there is enough trust and comfort that each partner feels he or she can admit to temptations and simply air them without fear of attack. If that means someone has to be left alone for a cooling off period before reasonable discussion can resume, that’s what needs to happen. I also am not saying nice betas are doomed – it’s a matter, I think, of women being more honest with themselves (at which I can already hear some of you scoffing) in order that they might make better decisions based on the desire for long term stability. It’s not like men don’t do this; do you really think they never get an urge to stray and find some novelty? But that’s just it – the desire for novelty is also innate in humans to an extent and we live in a culture that relentlessly encourages novelty seeking through consumerism and affairs (the success of Ashley Madison being a prime example).
One point to remember is that no relationship is going to be “perfect,” whatever that might mean. There’s an old Zen tradition I believe where even in painting a room, a part is left unpainted so as to represent the imperfection of life. It’s hard to get over the romantic desire for an all-encompassing relationship, in which two people are like “soul mates” for whom there is no other – and maybe it’s futile to try – but that can only go so far, and there is always an element of choosing to make a person into one’s animus/anima. The shine always wears off after the initial bonding stage of a relationship, and that’s where a certain amount of work is needed. Not spirit crushing, constant dissection and discussion, but just some effort, which might just be the effort it takes to be quiet and non-judgemental, to just enjoy each other’s presence in silence.
There will be times where we get a bit lazy, and the effort comes in pulling ourselves out of that. It’s the same in every aspect of life – work gets boring, child-rearing gets tedious – but it’s up to us to lift ourselves up somehow. This requires a capacity for forgiveness and a lack of hubris that so many of today’s women lack completely. We have been trained by the feminist establishment to believe we deserve to have our every ridiculous desire and whim fulfilled (you can have it all!) just for breathing, and humility and submission are seen as dirty words. Instead we’ll tend to live by the maxim “get even” (I’d say “don’t get mad, get even,” but boy do we get mad, so I left off the first part). The trouble is, by doing that we only add more garbage to the pile and we have to live with the stink of it too. It’s also not loving behaviour.
Once we realize how we’ve been duped by unattainable fantasies and how we are hard wired to find certain qualities in a potential mate attractive, we can be more honest with ourselves and save time as well as heartbreak and in many cases, ruination for one or both partners. I’ve made my share of mistakes, which I regret every day, so I’m left with the following options: look coldly at it all, or fool myself. No doubt there are many women my age who come to this crossroads in life, after relationship failures and divorce, finding themselves single and competing with a younger crop of available women. The proliferation of “cougar” fare speaks to that, but there is more than a whiff of delusion and desperation there and it is simply not useful as well as being the logical next step in feminist brainwashing in the name of “empowerment.” The idea of competing with my daughters for the same males is just sick to me, but that is more or less what we have right now, and it’s pathetic. The lack of ability to face reality in this culture is astounding really and I simply look on with bemused wonder at it all. When will we grow up?
A possible answer is when younger women look at where older women who have lived as they are now, brainwashed by feminism, have ended up and decide they don’t want that fate for themselves. I’d like to think that by writing and talking about it, some of them can be reached and disabused of the lies they have been fed about “empowerment” and see that adopting male vices doesn’t empower them, but enslaves and disenfranchises them, and leaves the good guys with few viable options except to simply opt out of monogamy and marriage altogether, look elsewhere or become a Mennonite. Stoic resistance is a hard sell in our current culture, but it is still something worth bringing up and thinking about, because what we’re doing now is clearly not working.