Any man who spends any amount of time writing or speaking about a real or perceived injustice will eventually be accused of “whining.”
Men are particularly susceptible to the whining charge because it is an insult to their manhood, a smear on their honor. An inveterate whiner is impotent, incompetent, dependent, helpless, childlike, lazy and not in control of his own destiny. He is a weak and colicky creature, not quite a man, unable to assert his own will, crying for attention and casting about for anyone to blame for his failures and his circumstances but himself. Men tend to loathe victim politics for this reason – to play the victim means relinquishing control. Like the twelve-stepper, he admits he is powerless. Unless this admission is sanctioned by his peers, other men will distance themselves from his act of submission to avoid “contact emasculation.”
The whining charge is “shaming language,” but sometimes men should be ashamed of themselves. I’d rather be ashamed of myself for failing to demonstrate a virtue that I hold in high regard than I would be regarded as “shameless.” A man who has no shame has no virtue and no conscience, or he is a liar.
But if we agree that there is such a thing as justice, even if we suspect it is somewhat subjective, then unless we believe we live in a perfectly just world, it follows that there is legitimate injustice. In a society that seems to be enamored with the notion of “social justice” one might think that any man who points out injustice or who seeks justice for others would rightly be regarded as heroic. And he usually is, unless he is pointing out perceived injustices against those who may only be regarded as the architects of injustice.
In America today, men and whites are regarded as the primary architects of injustice. White men, it is assumed, have been accorded so much privilege by birthright that any perceived injustices against them should be regarded as slights or perhaps even just correctives. Take it from the white man; he can afford it. If he complains, he’s a whiner. According to the establishment rhetoric he has so many advantages that no matter what we do to him it is his own fault if he doesn’t succeed.
How great this white man is! A Gulliver among Lilliputians…
It’s hard to deny that it is still good in some ways to be a white man. But it ain’t all it used to be. Boys today are raised in a world far, far removed from the good old boys club. Truth be told they really didn’t always have it that great anyway — the life of a white coal miner a century ago could hardly be called “privileged.” But even if, for the sake of argument, white men had always ruled the world together, free from personal sacrifice, hardship or responsibility, from the back porch of some golden country club…they clearly don’t anymore. Things are different now, legally and socially. Isn’t fair to say that this group of men might actually face some legitimate hardships or injustices? Wouldn’t any other position be blatantly racist sexism?
I’ve argued that seeking victim status and a place at the national grievance table is far from desirable.
If you’re facing some legitimate hardships or injustices, there must be an honorable way to speak about them. But, because inborn privilege in all areas will continue to be assumed whether reality-based or completely theoretical, and other groups stand to lose ground if Western Men regain it, men will continue to be called whiners by some no matter what they say or how they say it. These sorts of accusations can more or less be ignored. Men will also call each other whiners to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings — it’s a form of chest-thumping that should be taken with a grain of salt.
However, it’s worth trying to define what whining really is. Because while every man whines a little bit sometimes, no man wants to be a whiner. Where do you draw the line?
Real whining is infantile.
Whining is a cry for sympathy on one’s own behalf, as if from the mouth of a babe. It says, “I can’t because…” and demonstrates helplessness and impotence because it takes no responsibility for changing one’s own circumstances.
There are legitimate grievances in life, and there are legitimate reasons to draw attention to one’s own hardships. Sometimes there really are powerful forces working against you, or major obstacles in your path. The difference between whining and acknowledging a problem is that the man who is acknowledging a problem also demonstrates that he is doing everything within his own power to overcome that obstacle or to make the best of the hand he’s been dealt. The whiner rationalizes and blames without taking responsibility for any wrongdoing or poor judgment on his own part, and makes no sincere effort to improve his own circumstances — he cries out and expects others to make sacrifices to come to his rescue.
A matter-of-fact statement of a problem cannot be considered whining.
Unless you are asking for something. Sympathy is something. And asking is begging.
A call to arms is not whining.
If you are identifying an obstacle and trying to enlist others who face the same obstacle to work together to do something about it, you are taking responsibility for changing your circumstances. The people who created the obstacle or who benefit from it in some way may call this whining, but they are merely protecting their own interests by dismissing your concerns.
Real whining is self absorbed.
Real whiners don’t care that other people have problems, too. Whiners are excessively focused on their own problems. The following passage about poor men in postwar Japan from Confessions of a Yakuza came to mind:
In that world, there were a few things you just never said. One was “I’m hungry”; the others were “I’m cold” and “I’m hot.” As far as being hungry was concerned, they were all in the same boat, so long as it was a kind of competition to see who could bear it the longest. If any of the men standing around there complained of being hungry, he’d be treated as an outsider, a slob who didn’t have the guts to stick it out. They were all barely keeping going as it was, and as for someone to talk about food would have been the last straw.
No one wants to hear your problems, especially when they are in the same boat. Commiserating is an undignified but understandable feature of human nature. One-sided whining in the company of other people who have the same (or worse!) problems is obnoxious.
Calling attention to the problems of others is definitely not whining.
It is impossible to whine on the behalf of someone else. Speaking up to correct real or perceived injustices is a noble gesture (or at least an attempt at one). Others may disagree with your aims, with your opinions, with your logic, or with your assessment of the situation – but if they accuse you of whining on the behalf of someone else, they don’t deserve to be taken seriously.
If you have faced injustices in the past, and overcame them, and are telling your story to elicit public support for change so that others do not have to face the same hardships, that is not really whining either.
Sometimes, altruistic statements are obviously a front for those who want to become “victim celebrities.” Some people will exploit or even manufacture hardships to get attention. When that’s the case, it’s not as much whining so much as cynical, opportunistic and dishonorable. And usually, it’s not hard to spot. Think about Oprah Winfrey and the majority of her perpetually “recovering” celebrity friends who luxuriate in their own melodramatic miseries to increase their status within a community of professional victims.
Social criticism is not whining.
Social criticism is social criticism.
In basic terms, social criticism is, “Here’s some bullshit, here’s why it is bullshit, and here’s why I’d like to see it change to improve our society.”
Whining is “Here’s some bullshit that affects me and here’s why I want you to feel sorry for me and take care of me.”
It’s important to be able to separate legitimate charges of whining from general self-interested bitchiness, knee-jerk reactions, and attempts to manipulate or silence debate. All charges of whining are not equally valid, and knowing when to let other people’s bullshit roll off your back allows you to devote your energy to more productive pursuits.
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