The 10 Harmful Things Single Mothers Do to Ruin Their Sons

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by Keoni Galt on March 17, 2010

I recently came across a Black Christian Pastor by the name of Gills Tripplett, and he has written an article entitled 10 Harmful Things Single Mothers Do To Ruin Their Sons Lives.

It is an excellent piece regarding what I consider to be the single greatest cause in perpetuating the so-called “cycle of poverty.” As pointed out by Kay Hymowitz in her seminal article, The Black Family: 40 Years of Lies, the Black American family was devastated en mass years before the same pathologies were spread to other racial groups in every country in considered “first” world. As fellow Spearhead contributors and bloggers like Obsidian and Whiskey have pointed out on numerous occasions, the subsidization of single mother households through tax redistribution schemes to fund entitlement programs is something that corrupts all communities and societies, regardless of race. The black family in America was simply the canary in the coal mine. Well, much of society has ignored that canary’s reaction to the experiment of the “GREAT SOCIETY,” and we now see the same thing infecting all corners of our most-assuredly declining Western Civilization.

Look in any white trailer park, or any other community across the country that is largely poverty stricken and is predominantly composed of single mother households on welfare, you will see the same pathologies of a matriarchal-modeled community. The same thing is apparent even here in Hawaii – the same kind of projects and ghettos can be seen amongst areas of the State that are essentially homogenous Samoan, Hawaiian, and Filipino enclaves. Wherever we see single mother households as the majority of “family” units, you will find the “Cycle of Poverty” is evident.

However, like most Christian-based articles concerning the travesty and tragedy of single mother households and it’s overall effect on society as a whole, there is certain elements in his piece that are certainly oblivious to the insights those of us who have studied Game and social hierarchy’s role in mating and dating…so here’s a “Fisking” of his article. While I agree wholeheartedly with the big picture, I believe there are few minor errors that needs to be corrected…

(Note that Pastor Tripplett provides plenty of links to back up his sources…visit the original article if you’re interested in following up on anything he cites.)

Raising Boys Wrong…
In the state of Georgia, as in most urban areas, two thirds of the Black children born, are born to unwed mothers. Most of those boys will grow up to be unproductive men in our society. For irrefutable proof one only needs to examine:

* The high school drop out rate amongst boys from single-family homes.
* The incarceration statistics for boys raised by single moms.
* The mass number of single mothers who have trained their boys to devalue and disrespect the entire female gender

Am I blaming society’s ills on single mothers? No! Am I attacking or demonizing single mothers? A thousand times no!

Of course Tripplett needs to begin with a general disclaimer. This is a tacit admission that he at least understands the eternal solipsism of the female mind. I’m sure he wrote that first to preempt receiving numerous emails of protestations from single mothers who claim to be the exception to the rule. This was futile. He no doubt will get those anyways.

I am dealing with a critical issue that has devastated multiple generations. One that has not been properly dealt with for too long. I have watched this particular group of single mothers reek havoc and sow seeds of discord in the lives of countless children.

Amen, Pastor.

I had one incident in which a woman, (I’ll call Racine ) was dating a man, she got pregnant by him and they moved in together.

Like many women who give themselves to dishonorable men, Racine assumed that she could change him and that he would eventually marry her. She was so convinced of her abilities to alter his conduct, that she got pregnant, AGAIN! You should know that Racine was in the church while this disgraceful chain of events took place. After their second child, her live-in boyfriend just up and left. He coldly and calculatedly abandoned her and both of their kids.

Here’s the first bit of “So-Con” rationalization. See how he basically positions his example as simply a woman done wrong…her intentions were noble, she was trying to “save” her boyfriend, but this “cold and calculating” scum bag abandoned them.

Pastor, what we have here is a classic case of a CHURCH GOING WOMAN chasing a known “bad boy” and basically thinking with her ‘gina tingles instead of her head. Come now, give her an equal share of the responsibility here: she CHOSE an irresponsible guy to impregnate her, not once, but twice.  She is not a victim here. She is an active participant in perpetuating the cycle of poverty by creating yet another single mother household.

Her means of getting revenge against her ex was to physically abuse both their children. She would do things such as force them to sit outside in the freezing cold for hours at a time. She would choke her older son, ( I’ll call Joseph ) while swearing at him and cursing his father. Because of her physically and verbally abusive behavior, Joseph learned to hate females.

Because of how his mother abused him and his little brother, Joseph detests the female gender with an unforgiving passion.

Ah yes. Thanks to the society wide acceptance and subsidization of the single mother household, another Misogynist is born!

Like his mother had been drilling in his ears for years, he followed in the footsteps of his father. He got a female pregnant while in high school, but instead of abandoning her and baby like his dad, he married her. Not because he loved her, but to prove his mother wrong. Joseph had taken on the same vengeful and abusive spirit as his mom. In less than two weeks after saying, “I do!” he physically assaulted his new bride. He has been abusing her ever since. Even at my behest, his wife refused to file charges. She felt as though she could change him.

Pastor, pastor, pastor…”SHE FELT” is nothing more than the rationalization hamster wheel furiously churning in her brain. It’s how she justifies to herself why she stays involved with an abusive guy… because he makes her ‘gina tingle.

Their little girl will be 5-years-old in 2004 and Joseph has never held a conversation with her because of distrust and hatred of all females. The only things he has said to his daughter is, “Shut up! Didn’t I tell you… No! Sit down and, go get me a…”

Joseph kicked her across the room one night when she attempted to stop him from physically assaulting her mother. Did you comprehend what you just read? You just read how generational curses are started. Even worse, Joseph’s daughter is a likely candidate to believe that all men are dogs and become an angry Black female.

Depends. If Joseph and her mother stay together all throughout her childhood, she may instead grow up to actively seek out an abusive thug that makes her ‘gina tingle like her mom, and repeat the pattern of putting up with physical and mental abuse as long as she is excited by his thuggish behavior.

What you are reading are not aberrations. These incidents happen everyday. I could share with you so many other cases and incidents such as the large number of single mothers who for various reasons refuse to divulge to their kids who their true biological father are. These women don’t realize how their callous insensitivity has damaged their children.

Ah, but Pastor, you’re forgetting the number one response to pointing out any single instance of a woman behaving badly: Not All Women Are Like That!

Some of you will read this article and say, “What about the things the men are doing and why didn’t you mention how daughters are affected when they don’t have a dad?” I’ll deal with the dishonorable men, deadbeat dads and daughters in another session. I cannot cover all of life’s issues in one article. Right now, our focus is the ten harmful things certain single mothers do to ruin their son’s lives.

Save it, Pastor. There’s no need to go over how dastardly and dishonorable deadbeat dad’s are. We already live in a culture and society for which our mainstream media and entire cable TV channels are dedicated to never letting us forget how Men are the problem, and single mothers are heroic martyrs and paragons of self-sacrifice.

Nevertheless, on with the list:

1. Do You Poison Your Son’s Mind Against His Biological Father?
Some women knowingly and intentionally perform this evil scheme. Others do it unintentionally. While boys are young, this vengeful act seems harmless, but as they grow older, they develop bitterness against their fathers.

Note: Women can do this to their children, even if their Father didn’t abandon them and still remains married and an able and competent provider in the home. This is what happens when you have a mother who doesn’t respect her husband – most likely because he’s an emasculated “herb” or “beta nice guy.”

2. Do You Instill In Your Son: “The All Men Are Dogs,” Mentality?
You may hate the father of your child. You may hate all men. You may feel justified in your malice because of how men have treated you. However, all men are not dogs! Good men do exist! A portion of the men who become dogs were trained to be that way by their disgruntled mothers. These boys listen to their moms speak hypercritically, denounce and condemn all men until they develop a disparaging complex about being a male.

Once those seeds are planted in their impressionable minds and hearts, these boys lose hope about being an honorable man. Their mother’s words become a prophetic utterance. Albeit a negative one. Single moms, you must find ways to encourage your son and put a stop to words and actions that dismantle his vision of being a decent man. All men are not dogs!


Unfortunately the next point comes right out of the So-Con playbook:

3. Do You Play The Dating Game?
As a single mother, you cannot afford to play the worldly dating game of love, sex and relationships. When you become a revolving door for hordes of males, you indoctrinate your son to systematically devalue and disrespect the female gender. By watching an assortment of males freely enter into and abruptly exit out of your life, your son learns firsthand how to become a playa player, pimp, baller and shot caller.

On the other hand, you’re simply giving your son a first hand view of what it means to be a slut.

As he witnesses your failed relationships, tears of regret from your manifold sexual liaisons and learns how you were dumped, played, dismissed and disgraced at the hands of detestable males, his conscience becomes desensitized to the well being of all women. As you play the dating game, you persuade your son that males were called to be pimps.

There’s probably a lot of truth to this.

As a single mother, if a man refuses to respect you as a woman and honor the fact that you have a child, he is not worthy of your companionship.

Whoa there Pastor! The fact that she already made the mistake of getting impregnated by an irresponsible thug already severely limits HER WORTHINESS of the companionship of a worthy man!

You need to know that a man should not date you if he is not prepared emotionally, psychological, physically and financially to take on the responsibility of raising your child.

This is true…but you need to add that a woman who actually does find a “good” man “worthy” of her companionship, she should also seek to avoid deceiving him into thinking being a single mother is easy, and that she should imply or deliberately deceive a man with the idea that she will put him first in any future relationship…than not do so once the sucker (oops, I meant “Man”) was actually foolish enough to commit to you.

It is an absolute waste of your time for you to date or court a man who:

  • Doesn’t want children
  • Doesn’t like children
  • Is averse to raising another man’s child
  • Is not interested in getting married
  • Has it made clear that his objective is to dishonor you sexually


More So-Con pedestalization here. I agree with the rest of this list, but let’s be frank about this last one: Women have the choice, the control, and the responsibility of dishonoring their own sexuality! A man who makes it quite clear that he is not interested in a long term, committed relationship is NOT dishonoring her! He’s being honest! If she has sex with him anyways, in the hopes of “changing his mind,” SHE IS DISHONORING HERSELF AND HER SON.

As a single mother of a boy, you are largely responsible for how your son will treat the next generation of women. Take that charge serious. Don’t set your son up for sure relationship, marital and manhood meltdown. Set before him an example of honor, respect and virtue.

As important as it is for a single mother to avoid engaging in the cock carousel of thugs and bad boys in plain view of her son, she should also be aware of choosing a man who is NOT a pedestalizing, feminized mangina that she can manipulate and run roughshod all over either. That kind of role model will have it’s own set of issues and pathologies that will affect him when he is older…and in some cases, this can cause just as much psychological damage as having a string of abusive bad boys for his primary male role models.

4. Do You Engage In The Sleepover Trap?
Time and time again, I meet single mothers who allow men to spend the night, move-in or do long-term layovers. When boys see their moms engaging in such shameful activity, they become indoctrinated to see women as sex objects, booty calls and casual sex partners.

Don’t worry…even if you don’t do this, he’ll get plenty of that indoctrination from watching TV and going to school with all the other little boys whose mothers do it.

5. Have You Made Your Son The Man of The House?
As cute as it may seem, your son IS NOT the man of the house. He is your child! Most single mothers will never understand the psychological damage they cause by anointing their sons to be the man of the house. By falsely convincing their boys that they are men, these single moms pigeonhole their adolescents into a pressure-based environment God never intended for them to be in.

Many of these undeveloped boys feel such emotional duress, that they resort to doing the unthinkable to meet their mom’s fanatical demands of manhood. These teenage boys freely talk about selling drugs, robbing people, car jacking and committing other crimes to take care of their household.


6. Are You Feminizing Your Son?
To feminize means to cause a male to assume feminine characteristics. The way single mothers feminize their sons is by doing things such as:

  • Having him with them while they go shopping for women’s clothing
  • Taking him to the beauty salons while they get their hair and nails done
  • Having him in the bathroom and bedroom while they primp and pamper
  • Buying him feminine toys such as girl’s bikes, dolls, etc.
  • Providing him with feminine clothes, makeup or accessories
  • Involving him in feminine activities
  • Calling him cute, primping and pampering him
  • Piercing his ears and giving him earrings
  • Belittling or minimizing male-female gender differences
  • Bringing feminine or homosexual males into his life or presence

Single mothers who allow or inspire their sons to engage in activities that cause him to be feminized are partly responsible for the mass number of passive and effeminate males in our society.

Don’t forget to add that young boys raised by a single mother also pattern their emotional responses to their mothers. This is why many young men from single mother households become violent and abusive criminals. They never learn to control and channel their aggression properly by a good masculine role model. Instead, the only role model they have is the emotional roller coaster of their mother’s hormonal mood swings. When his body changes, you will have a young man full of testosterone and aggression, but no self control of his emotions.

7. Are You Training Him To Be a Man?
Get this irrefutable truth engrained into your mind and heart as expediently as possible. A woman cannot train a boy to be a man any more than a man can train a girl to become a virtuous woman. A man has his limits when it comes to raising and training girls.

While I’m sure there are plenty of problems men have when it comes to raising girls, I don’t think “virtuous” is one of them. A strong, protective Father most certainly can train a girl to be virtuous. I think the Pastor would have been better served to state any more than a man can train a girl to become a feminine woman.

He can read a thousand books and attend countless lectures, but he will never be able to fully understand or explain to a girl what PMS is, a woman’s hormones or what to expect when she gets pregnant. Most men won’t even attempt to broach subjects such as a woman’s broad range of emotions and feelings, her weight or looks, tampons or why women break out and cry at certain events and situations. It takes a woman to talk to a girl about those critical facets of her life.

Agreed. THIS is what Men cannot adequately do in raising girls…but none of that has to do with virtue.

In the same token, as a woman, there is only so much that you can instill in or teach a boy. Accept that fact and do not try to cross your boundaries. There are certain things that boys need psychologically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally, that you as a woman will never be able to impart to them. You will never understand or be able to help your son understand:

  • Masculinity
  • Testosterones
  • The male ego
  • A man’s penis
  • Why men are territorial
  • Why men love a good battle
  • A man’s need to conquer
  • A boy’s rites of passage

Like most females, you will spend an eternity scratching your head trying to understand why men gravitate towards brute competition. Since you will never comprehend these masculine things, you will never be able to properly communicate them to any male. Including your son!


Leave the manhood training to the men!


8. Are You Emasculating Your Son?
Some single mothers ruin their sons by emasculating them. To emasculate means: 1. To castrate. 2. To deprive of strength or vigor and to weaken. These single moms accomplish this catastrophic emasculation process by:

  • Impeding the boy’s natural gravitation towards things that boys love to do, (i.e. rough sports and aggressive play)
  • By constantly scolding, condemning, yelling and screaming at him. This commonly used tactic erodes a boy’s self-confidence
  • By being a domineering or overbearing mother. These single moms not only bruise their son’s male ego, but they mutilate his male identity and condition him to be a cowardly passive male
  • Constantly seeing his mother crying or throwing temper tantrums. When a boy sees these seemingly harmless emotional outbursts, he becomes conditioned to respond to the issues and pressures of life in the same manner as his mom.

Excellent advice. Once again, Amen, Pastor.

I also cannot find any fault with his last two points as well…

…well, almost anything:

9. Have You Made Your Son Into a Momma’s Boy?
I constantly meet single mothers who delight in the fact that they are raising momma’s boys. Let me put things into proper perspective by first defining what a momma’s boy is. He has been raised and taken care of by his mother. She has dressed him, cooked his meals, did his laundry, put a roof over his head, babied and spoiled him since birth and still does so… although he is a grown man.

She has come to his rescue, fought his battles, spoken up for him, lied for him, blamed others for his sins and protected him from harm and still does so… although he is a grown man. She has bought his shoes and socks, paid his bills, bought his groceries and got him out of jail and other jams and still does so… although he is a grown man.

In their strange and contorted mother-son relationship, neither of one them is willing cut their now grotesque umbilical cord. By the way their mothers have raised them, these males have been indoctrinated to believe that women exist for the sole purpose of serving and taking care of men. They have no problem with moving in with a female and sitting at home, watching television while their wives, girlfriends and baby’s mothers work two and three jobs to pay the bills.

Their understanding is, “What’s the problem? That’s what my mom did and that’s what women are supposed to do!” When it comes to marriage and relationships, I advise all women to avoid momma’s boys. One way or another, these males are going to cause you heartache. Especially if you attempt to snip their umbilical cord. Single mothers who truly care about their son’s future will not raise their sons to be momma’s boys!

10. Do You Avoid Finding Strong Male Role Models For Your Son?
By having no strong male role models in their lives, boys are prone to gravitate towards:

  • Having a distorted sense of self-worth
  • Feeling irrelevant in our society
  • Rebelling against authority
  • Being passive males
  • Having a deep sense of vulnerability
  • Wondering about their legacy
  • Not respecting the female gender

This is our Brave New World molded and fashioned by a feminist movement and a sexually libertine culture promoting Matriarchal values and unleashed female sexuality. Teaching a boy to “respect the female gender” is another way of teaching him to pedestalize women, as a gender. Teach him to respect only those men and women that have earned it! No woman deserves respect simply because she has female plumbing.

  • Not understanding, respecting or embracing manhood
  • Not understanding, respecting or embracing marriage

Heh. If he understands marriage…more specifically Marriage 2.0, he certainly should NOT embrace marriage…

  • Not understanding, respecting or embracing fatherhood
  • As they reach adulthood, these harmful traits make men become societal undesirables. As a single mom, you must make seeking out strong godly male role models for your son a top priority. Start with your child’s father. The only reasons you should keep your son away from his biological father is because his dad:

    • Is an alcoholic, drug user or drug dealer
    • Is wanted by the police or other authorities
    • Has harmful mental or other psychological issues
    • Is a thug or is involved in other criminal activity
    • Is an abuser, molester or perpetrator of domestic violence
    • Has threatened physical harm or violence
    • Poses a safety threat to you or child in some other fashion
    Did the way you grew up have an effect on you? Did it produce any problems in your life today? If alcohol is one of those issues, alcohol rehab can get you back on the path.

    Barring none of the above, you should not prevent your child’s from interacting with his dad. After the child’s biological father, look at the men in your family, church, after school programs and organizations that are passionate about raising boys. Be clear on this irrefutable fact: your son needs honorable men in his life if he is going to properly transition from boyhood to manhood.

    If he has no godly strong male role models, your son will go from boyhood to adulthood, while skipping manhood. Don’t deceive yourself into believing that you can raise your son without men, you cannot.

    Overall, I really don’t have too much quibble with this article. It would probably be better for society if more boys in single mother homes were raised to be pedestalizing doormats for women when they get older than violent, anti-social and emotionally out control adults…but still, the better answer would be to prevent the promulgation of the ubiquity of single mother households in the first place.

    As long as we have a welfare and family court system defining any “family” as a mother and children, and subsidizing and/or forcefully removing men from their families and their roles as Patriarchs, the “cycle of poverty” will continue to escalate and hasten the decline of our declining civilization.

    { 11 comments… read them below or add one }

    John September 29, 2010 at 14:45

    My mother poisoned my mind against my dad who wanted to raise me like an all American boy, but she preferred a pink pillow. We went to live with her mother and aunt where she proclaimed me to be the man of the house and her little man. She absorbed me emotionally as well to meet her unmet emotional needs, but she never met mine. She really wanted a little girl and told me so which led her I believe to raise me on a pink pillow. The feeling of my identity being all wrapped up in her continued even when she got married again through my high school as well as college years. I’ve been in therapy for several years because until just a few years ago all of this was blocked. In her older age my mother told me that she knew the way she raised me was wrong and it would cause me great pain, but she could not help it. Someone must have done something terrible to her as a child. My dad was a distant perfectionist excuse of a man whom I’ve never been able to be close with. All in all, my mother did a vast majority of these wrong things to me and my life has suffered greatly for it. Years later after i had left home, she told me that the way she raised me was wrong and she knew at the time it would cause me great pain, but she could not help it. That’s a bunch of ___>

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2
    sk July 15, 2011 at 23:40

    Oh my, it kinda speak to me as a son of a emotional abusive mom. I got bossed around, screamed at, and so on for many years, even when my dad was present. Then I no longer live with dad for 10 years.

    I have emotional problem. I was not able to prioritize what’s important and what’s not. I was very sensitive to emotionally disruptive things and words that people do or say to me.

    This article quite explained it.

    I missed so much good opportunities in life in terms of career, relationship, finance, and even spirituality because of my mom.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3
    sk July 15, 2011 at 23:45

    Now I am not good at bring bread on the table, but good at being yelled at, picked on, and so on because I had been trained at that for many years. How sad.

    I remembered whenever I tried to do manly things I got yelled at. Also I had to share the stress and workload of whatever my mom had to do even though her role was a mom. She never wanted to work so she made me do as much of her work as possible.

    At the end, I am not good at anything. I am not good at taking care of a family as a man, and I am not even a good doormat. I can’t even financially support a pet dog.

    Maybe I can apply to be a butler of abusive woman to fulfill their twisted needs. That’s maybe what I was trained to be good at.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2
    A Single Mother August 28, 2011 at 20:36

    I agree with some things said here in this article. I don’t care for the woe-is-me attitudes of the comments left therein. As an adult it is your job to stop blaming your parents for all the terrible things that happened to you. I mean, come on now. You are adults. You sound pitiful. As parents we are not perfect, and never will be. We are human too. I could be on here all day playing the blame game. There comes a time when you become responsible for yourself , your values, your emotions, and ultimately; your life.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 27
    Jenn November 2, 2011 at 19:47

    I get what is stated and most of it is true, except for me. I don’t keep in contact with my son’s father as he is a criminal now, but I don’t tell my son that either. I have not many people who are willing to step in to be a male figure for him. I do everything myself, let him be himself, not one of his toys are girly, they are all transformers and ben 10 and i actually love the transformers movie. I can be a bit of a tomboy, so I’m the one playing footy and other sports with him, teaching him moves and skills and i absolutely dispise mummy’s boys so I make sure i do everything i can to ensure it does’t happen to him. Although i can appreciate what was written and how to avoid it, i am fairly upset on the way you make it seem like single mothers are not good enough or that we had a choice. I tell you this, not many single mothers are single because they chose to be. My son’s father wants nothing to do with me or my son and has never even met him, but some people are single because of divorce, death and abusive relationships, and sometimes even as a result of rape. Most of us are doing the best job we can, and ask advice on men as to what to do better, so don’t shone all of us when we are not all the same. And i think if it was the other way round, men could raise daughters easily if given the chance and understand gender roles.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 6
    Xavier December 4, 2011 at 13:10

    Well put. It’s so important that a father be a part of a boys life. A woman just doesn’t understand what it means to be a man and they end up raising what they believe to be an ideal man. Attempting to raise their dream man.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1
    todd March 4, 2012 at 16:05

    I agree with a lot that the article has to say and I appreciate many of the comments/stories. I am a 42 year-old man who has huge resentment issues towards both my parents. This is an off-and-on emotion for me because I understand why they are the way they are and why my childhood was the way it was. That said, I was/am a Momma’s boy. I am often contrary and angry and resistant and passive-aggressive. I am also vindictive though much of the time my target is myself. I am my own worst enemy. My mother was a highly-focused, hugely efficient work machine who never received love or affection or understanding or positive reinforcement from her same-sex parent. Her father was a warm, easy-going, hard-working man who should never have married my grandmother. My father is a good-natured man with a good sense of humor who, nevertheless, loses his temper at the drop of his hat. He cusses out inanimate objects because he never learned how to deal with his emotions or confront people in a mature, productive manner. Not kidding. He was abused and bullied and ridiculed by his father. His mother was a devoted, loving shell of a woman. My mother showed contempt for my father, ridiculed and laughed at him for some of the reasons stated above. I can understand where she was coming from, but it’s still shitty and did nothing for me to respect men or probably even myself. My mother was a very sexually attractive woman who flirted with my sister’s boyfriend while the rest of the family looked on. And she doted on me, worshipped me, adored me. From the moment I was born, I was (as she put), her “soul mate”, her “hero”, her “best friend”. And my father was discouraged from having much to do with his son. As this very naturally seemed to be my purpose in life, I happily accommodated my mother. From around the age of 12 to when I left for college, I spent every evening at the foot of her bed (Dad got kicked out of her bed in 1976) telling her for hours how wonderful she was and how much I loved her. I was very much coddled. Nursery school terrified me and people have been hard for me ever since. I’ve been in therapy since I was 6. I don’t hold jobs due to either my anger or my lack of focus/motivation I have some friends, but mostly I don’t bother to do the maintenance necessary because tv is more interesting/less work. I identify as gay, have done so since I was 13 years old. I am extremely promiscuous, sex for me is no big deal. I was a prostitute for 11 years, best job I ever had. It seemed second nature to me. I was an expert on putting someone else’s needs before mine and I sort of vindicated my lack of a reciprocal paternal affection by having sex with all those men. Because of circumstances, I have always received a kind of “you have everything going for you” feedback. This disturbs me greatly. I was angry to begin with and now I see red. I have never been shown how to be a man. Tomboys are looked on with affection even appreciation. Women’s rights are, for the most part, given respect and credibility. But Momma’s Boys are treated with scorn and contempt and it seems that my voice has no place to go. I don’t even fit in with the gay community. Before I can move forward, I feel that what I need is recognition of what I have been through and not some unfeeling “You have no idea how lucky you are” response OR to find a group people who have experienced something similar and who want to move forward, but don’t know how. Lately I even wonder the origins of my homsexuality. Like maybe I am not “really” gay and they were right all along, that it is (for SOME gay people) some maladaptive manifestation. I definitely have some misogynistic tendencies, but- like many women, black people, gay people – I believe I have a very good reason to be. Nevertheless, my deep anger has gotten me nowhere. I am still looking for a strong, confident, older man to show me.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3
    Young January 4, 2013 at 19:47

    As I examine my childhood, I believe that my mother engaged in some of these behaviors. My parents divorced when I was two, so I do not know what the “nuclear family” means. Growing up, I believe that my mother wanted me to be the “man of the house,” but there is no way a son can be the man for his mother. Honestly, I do not love my mother. I harbor hatred towards her. I know that is not right for any child to resent his or her parents, but unfortunately, this situation is my reality. I may need to receive counseling because I know that I have my emotions internalized. My mother frequently yelled at me and at my sister. I realized that yelling will not improve any situation, so I choose not to yell. It is unnecessary. I love my father, but I abhor my mother. I am not misogynistic, but rather confused and distorted about my own relationship with my mother. I hardly converse with my mother, and I have lived with her my entire life. I know that my father has tried his absolute best to be a good role model/ father for me when he had the chance to see me, but I know that his efforts are not enough. I believe that some of my characteristics and behaviors are feminine, but that is because of my lack of exposure around my father, or any man for that matter. I feel that my mother is inconsiderate of my thoughts/ emotions/ feelings, and that is probably why I do not converse with her. She frequently told to not “challenge her”, and to this day, I have no idea what that phrase means. My mother can be irrational and/ or illogical, and I combat her irrationality/ lack of logic with logic, but that just ignites anger. One day, I will have to be honest with my mother, and whether she likes it or not, she needs to know the truth about her actions and behavior. I do not know if I will ever truly love my mother. I think that the resentment that I have against my mother also has made me internalize hatred about my own race. I am Black/ African-American, but sometimes I hate being African-American. I have learned to speak Spanish fluently, so many people have questioned my race/ ethnicity, and I have developed and affinity to Latinos, frequently to the point that I think that I am one. I feel that I am more connected to people outside of my family, almost to the point of rejecting my own family/ heritage/ race. I am not a self-hater, but I think that I need to discover my identity, not as a male, but a Black/ African-American who is comfortable in his own body.
    Please do not be offended as I am not trying to. These statements are about my personal experiences. I hope that I am able to overcome my personal struggles.

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    PoisonIvy August 6, 2013 at 19:52

    I can relate to a lot of the comments on this topic. I too was poisened by my mother to despise my father. I only came to terms with it when I had matured and become my own man around the age of 18 (I had to grow up rather fast). I missed out on a healthy relationship with my father, something I will never ever get back. My mother never abused me emotionally or otherwise, well at least not immediately. But the way she ruined my relationship with my father is something I remain conscious of to this moment in time. I think something happened to her when she was younger. She and my father just couldn’t get along, and eventually they split and divorced. A lot of her sisters are divorced or gave birth never having married. I think something happened to her in her past that gave her a sort of loathing for men. I don’t quite think women realise just how detrimental “father-son alienation” is to a child’s health. Now my mother is up to the same old tricks with my younger sister whom she has full custody of. She is not allowing my father to see my sister. He buys things for my sister, and gives her the occasional pocket money. She used to stay at his for the weekends but now she is not allowed at all. Well I’m going to push for my sister to see my father, it’s important for her as a young lady to have a relationship with both parents. It doesn’t stop at that. Not only did she ruin my relationship with my father, but she also expects me to carry her through retirement. She once asked me to play a father figure to my baby sister, to which I declined. My father lives no more than five minutes away, why should I have to carry his responsibility when he wants to be in his daughters life anyways. I was aiming to move away for my career but the only thing holding me back is my mother’s blinded acts of deprivation, I’m worried about my brother and sister. I have reason to as well. My bother was diagnosed with schizophrenia at a young age. If you’ve never witnessed a person decent from good health into such a condition, then all I can say is it’s absolutely heart blackening. This was due to my brother having had a physical altercation with my father, once again brought on my lovely mother’s poisoning of our minds. It took me so long to realise what had happened. I have turned down so many opportunities in life because I always feel some type of anxiety, which is no doubt related to my relationship with my parents, and I’m now having to clean up that mess, whilst watching over my siblings, and making sure that our situations only propagate us forward and the opposite. In all of this the only thing I can take away is I have what a mother should and should not say to her children, and how to forgive. If anybody is facing the same issues I am having then all I can say is that you must forgive whom ever wronged you. It is the only way of letting go and finally moving forward. Another thing is whatever anger you most probably feel towards your mother is projected on the women in your life, and the ones who bother to approach you, as a deeply veiled anger or loathing. Though I have consciously overcome my emotional huddle, I believe it lives on at a purely subconscious level. Something which is evident in my absolute lack of want of a stable relationship with young woman in life. So all issues arise from one thing, having been denied a healthy unbiased relationship with my father. If there are any mothers out there who feel it is relevant for a child to have a father, especially with young ladies, then how wrong you are.

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    Alex December 26, 2013 at 00:04

    Number 10 fits me like a glove. As a 20 year old man,raised by a single mother from birth and surrounded by women all my life has turned me inside out.
    Recently, I brought it up to my mom.While I’m completely grateful to her, it’s not been easy for me. I NEVER had a male figure in my life. I was surrounded by my mom, aunts and grand moms,with a few male drunks(who were never role models). What did it result in?A lack of male identity. I felt lost. While my mom tried to fill the shoes and walk on them, they didn’t fit her. Raising boys as a single mother is something far different from the son’s perspective than it is from the moms’ own. I knew I was male, but never knew what it meant to be a man or masculine and it’s something that a woman cannot teach a boy. I had problems in relationships, interaction with peers throughout my elementary,high school and even college years. In fact, I’ve never known what it feels like to be in a real relationship with a girl. It has caused so many problems. My older brother who knew my father is completely different. He knew my father well,but I never knew the man at all.
    After all the turbulence I decided that I had to see a therapist and thanks to her my life eased off a bit. All I am saying is that single mothers should not think that they can do it all al0ne. It inflicts more pain to the child than she realizes.

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    Single mom to THREE boys June 16, 2014 at 11:27

    I agree with a lot of these but also disagree with some as well (mostly because my own father thinks some things mentioned are “horseshit”). My oldest (5) is what most people expect a boy to be: he enjoys wresting with his brother, he takes things apart to put them back together, he goes out to the shop and builds crazy things, and he is allowed to do these things. My middle son (2.5) is completely different. When he picks out his birthday or Christmas presents he picks dolls, stuffed animals, and anything pink. I HATE the color pink so it’s hard for me to see him with things like that, but I feel he should be able to play with toys he wants. He also wrestles with his older brother and gets dirty outside so he definitely acts like a boy, he just likes the color pink, I guess. My youngest is a baby so I’m not sure how he will be yet. Their father was an abusive man who has an interest in teenage girls. Even though I truly despise the man I still talk about him to my boys in a respectful way. I do remember a lot of good things about him, so I share that with them as often as I can. He is suppose to have supervised visits, but he constantly makes excuses to why he can’t see them. My boys have an amazing grandfather to spend time with and they spend a few hours with him everyday. They watch him fix cars and things around the house. My oldest knows all the different fluids in a car by color (antifreeze, break fluid, etc.) Their grandfather is currently building a go-cart with them and my 2.5 year old fetches him and his brother the small tools he needs- and can tell the difference (which I can’t). My worst fear is to raise them up to have a complex or something that holds them back. I will do everything I can to raise them right. I am far from perfect and I know I’ll make mistakes along the way, but at least I can read things like this and get a decent idea of what I need to change.

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