There is an incalculable amount of advice in the world for women on relationships with men. Scarcely an issue of COSMO or any other women’s magazine has been printed that doesn’t contain articles by some woman or another claiming to give you all the “how’s” on the man in your life. How to snag and keep a man, how to get him to pop the question, how to drive him wild with desire, how to catch him in a lie, how to get him to treat you like a queen or how tell if he is cheating.
And it is not just women’s rags, it’s almost everywhere. You can’t even check your email any more without some headline grabbing your eye that is also pitching the now ubiquitous “how to get what you want from a man” advice. Almost all of it written by and for women.
The fact that so many of you are still reading this stuff might point to the idea that whatever you are reading isn‘t doing a lot of good.
Sarcasm aside, I thought I would offer up some self-help magic for the ladies about men, from a man’s point of view.
Let’s call it “How to Tell if He Hates Your Fucking Guts”
I know, I’m just a man, and as such not as sympathetic to the need for both constant approval and unconditional tolerance for bullshit that has likely left you batting squat in the man department. But I do know that love, at least as far as emotions go, is more conducive to a healthy romantic life than, say, loathing. And I happen to be an expert on how to prevent that hate monster from eating up your dreams of the future.
I won’t leave you hanging by just pointing at the problem, either. For each sign of infectious hate that I identify, there will be a clear cut plan of action to ensure you will ameliorate the problem and move forward with a more loving relationship. You can trust Dr. Paul to cover all the bases.
Your advantage here, ladies, resides in the fact that men are quite simple. You won’t need to buy a study guide or hire a relationship coach to ferret out the truth about how that hombre in your life feels. You just need to be willing to observe and digest what is right in front of you. Your man isn’t prone to subtlety. He doesn‘t hint at hating, he radiates it if you are just paying attention.
That being said, let’s get to work. Here are the most common signs that your man spits upon the ground on which you walk, and what you can do about it.
Sign number one:
He quits fucking you and/or starts fucking someone else.
If your man isn’t fucking you there is definitely something wrong, and there are only a three possible explanations for it. One, he’s gay and has been hiding it. Two, he has a physical problem that needs medical intervention. Or three, the thought of touching you makes his dick wilt like a boutonnière in a blast furnace.
Since number three is the only one that can possibly apply to you, my solution will be confined to that problem. First, you may need to consider that four hours of bitching is not foreplay. Now, some guys are so sex driven that they will actually fuck you while you’re bitching, but you should also know they’re imagining you’re someone else while they’re doing it. Maybe your younger sister.
There are, however, a lot of other guys that lose the amorous mood by the time you have reached bitch #17 on your much longer list of complaints. To them, there is a big difference between whispering sweet nothings in his ear and yelling “You’re nothing,” at him, from across the room.
What you can do about this is simple, assuming you can’t shut up. Organize! Take a minute or two out of each day to make a list of the things about him that dissatisfy you, and then heap them on him all at once. You will find the list reusable because it will only contain things you have been repeating since three months into the relationship. As he continues to reveal his imperfections you can just add to the list.
Oh, and try to get it all out in 7 minutes or less. Brevity is bliss, in the bedroom and out.
Timing is also important. Give him an hour or so to unwind after coming home from work. Then, after you decide where he is taking you for dinner, you can use the car ride to get in your digs. It is a great place for you to say what needs to be said. He is trapped with you next to him, you can keep the nagging out of the home, and, if you finish your tirade before you get to the restaurant, you can set about taking the evening in a more pleasant direction.
Additionally, you may have to skip a day of berating him here and there. Also, and this is the hard part, you will need to occasionally point out some things he does right. You know, just to make things look balanced.
Sign number two:
He does anything, anything he can, not to come home.
If you met your man at a Sierra Club convention and he suddenly takes an interest in hunting wild hog with a crossbow, 300 days a year, well, that is one of those not so subtle signs I was talking about.
As you have surely heard from some of the women writers, men like to retreat into their caves. Whatever your man likes to do for an outside interest, his favorite spot in his home is something sacred to him. So if he finds all manner of reasons not to be there, then there is a problem. And most likely the problem, at least for him, is you.
Ostensibly, you can just refer to the solutions to problem number one. After all, being present is one of the few hard prerequisites to having sex. If you can modify your behavior enough that it will induce him to walk in the door in the first place, it will solve problem number two and go a long way toward helping problem number one as well.
So, the next time you find yourself wanting to ask your man why he doesn’t want to spend more time at home, first take a quiet moment and ask yourself “Why should he?”
Oh, and answering yourself honestly would be a plus.
And by the way, here is a link to some more support. It’s some more detailed advice on how not to nag. There is some good stuff there, but I encourage you to skip over the parts that of course blame him for everything you do and just focus on being less of a pain in the ass.
Sign number three:
He hauls off and smacks the living shit out of you.
This far from subtle sign that your man hates your fucking guts comes generally one of two places. One, he is an abusive asshole and hates everyone, most of all himself. Or two, you are an abusive asshole and he got one too many rounds of your mouth and snapped.
Now if your situation is the former, and you are really sure of that, then your solution is a better man.
But if your situation is the latter, then your only solution is to be alone. Why? Because you are either physically, verbally or emotionally such a complete ass wipe that anyone around you will eventually turn mean. His main mistake was that he didn’t wise up and dump you before things went too far. He was likely just trying to do the right thing, but with the wrong person. And your treatment of him and of the other men in your life leaves you in a position that self help articles sandwiched between lipstick ads aren’t going to help.
The premise is simple. If you want respect, be respectful. If you want to be treated well, treat him well. If you want love, then give it. The only relationship tools that are worth anything are the ones found in the mirror, and ten thousand issues of COSMO ain’t getting anyone around that.
And you should drop the COSMO anyway. Articles on how to get what you want from relationships aren’t what anyone needs. In fact, running around trying to scheme and manipulate ways to get what you want from someone else is the problem. It is the chosen, narrow minded path of the selfish and undeserving.
It’s all about what you have to give, baby, and what you’re willing to. Take it from Dr. Paul.
Dr. Paul is a pseudonym only. The author of this article, Paul Elam, is not a qualified medical or psychiatric professional and does not purport to offer counseling, psychiatric services, or expert psychological advice.